I just don't know what to do with people at the moment. I had a horrible fight with my best friend last night, which I don't know how to fix. I'm just too sensitive, don't deal with aggression well, and lack the moxy to steer a conversation in a more positive, inclusive direction. I tend not to address things at the time, but just tend to stew about things instead. I give up too easily.

It's all just left me feeling like shit. And then I get to work this morning and a colleague explodes at me. I have been so useless at work this year, I've had way too much on my mind, have been constantly distracted by non-work related things and haven't been functioning well at all. Lately, I have been working much better. I've cut out a lot of distractions, have made a lot of changes and put a lot of things right. I have my brain back and am focusing much better. But (as I know too well) old frustrations can lie waiting for a long time before they rise. It upset me, and was confronting, that the same thing that I have been doing lately is now also being directed back at me.

I have really been trying. I want to start fresh with everyone in my life. But I need a little bit of grace from people on the way, and I feel like it's too late for that - everyone's already made up their mind about me. They've decided that I'm hypersensitive and not capable of having a rational intelligent conversation. They've decided that I'm unreliable. Many other things as well, I'm sure. But these two seem to be haunting me particularly at the moment. I can't shake people's preemptive ideas about how I might behave. I hate feeling like what people have already decided about me shapes who I am... but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to be different.

So I just don't know what to do with people at the moment. I'm ready to give up for a while... let whatever people think about me fade to a faint outline, let how I feel about other people similarly fade... and then start again. I wish I could just erase the last year.

As far as work goes... all I can do is keep trying. Keep my head down, be polite and helpful, and do good work. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.

I did a random scatter of all my delicious tags, and the results are delightful!

disclaimer: this will only be of interest to those who share my interests, or know me well and are fond of me and can look at the seemingly random jumble of words and nod knowingly and say 'ah, yes.'

double disclaimer: although it turns out that you can follow the tag links, which makes it somewhat more useful.

triple disclaimer: in a typically meta fashion, I am saving and tagging this cloud on delicious.

Five concerts in four days the week after I get back from New Zealand. Craziness.

In January my only pasttime is music!

All the wrinkles and gaping holes and fissures in my life are slowly smoothing themselves out, slowly closing up. And I haven't really done anything to make this happen. After spending most of this year trying to control my environment and force some sort of positive tectonic movement, things are just rearranging or coalescing into some sort of comfortable and new terrain all on their own.

After two years of incredibly hard work, uncertainty and doubt, my honours 'year' is over and I did fine. More than fine. I feel kind of like Dorothy, with a menagerie of people with brain and heart and courage helping me along. I never expected that I would meet such brilliant people and that they would become the fulcrum of such significant friendships. I have learned more than I ever imagined I could, and changed my ideas more than I ever thought I would. There is so much more to learn, but I feel ready and confident. A good result is so vindicating.

And my personal life leaves me regretting nothing, anxious about nothing, and owing nothing. I have the wonder, but it comes in quiet private moments. I love that something can be so seemingly slight and simple, located in the present, a temporal now that seems to endlessly continue, from day to day, expanding to fill the hours and weeks. I don't know any better way to say it than that... it feels good to not be thinking about the future. Nothing is the horizon of all thought. No venerable expectation here. My friend Katrina tells me that I have cracked the code, I don't know what that code is... but something rearranged itself perfectly. Something fell into place. And I am left breathless and at peace. But always only here, and only now. Always now.

Also, can I get a hell yeah for the cold change that comes after the heat, for sitting outside under battered lanterns, eating pumpkin lasanga and drinking celebratory champagne? Summer is here, and every evening is long and desultory. Time has stopped and the air is still.

I am starting to get excited about going home for christmas. My parents new house is next to a bay north of Dunedin that is an old whaling site. Fitting, considering that I am currently reading Moby Dick and will still have it fresh in my mind when I arrive.

Waikouaiti apparently means 'braided streamlets,' which just delights me no end... it's one of the things I love about the South Island - the shallow rivers that cut into the east coast's alluvial plains. So many long glistening ribbons of silver, so many grey stones. Microcosm deltas that soak into the sea.

I am anticipating many cliff walks. Up to the old barn buildings at Matanaka, nothing but golden tussock, red wood, bare and hulking macrocarpa trees, sea and sky. I am antipicating great conversations with Father about the many layers of landscape in the area. I am anticipating sitting on the beach and eating fish and chips. Lots of favourite people will be around, who I haven't seen in a long time. Some of them have children now. Strange.

But I am so happy, here. Everything is great at the moment. Work is fantastic, home is fantastic, the people I am spending my time with are just lovely.

... I think Sydney will have me for a while yet.

I need a new bed bed, desperately.  But am currently both money-poor and time poor... and my conundrum stems from being interested in a couple of good options that are exactly what I want, but also finding myself about ready to settle for something less.

My room is delightful, you see... but tiny... and I really like the idea of underbed storage.  I am covetous of ingenous storage solutions in most instances, and nice, neat drawers that hide beneath the bed are a particularly tempting and practical option.  Especially since one quarter (quadrant) of my room currently contains nothing but a giant heap of clothes.

There is a great bed at Ikea that is pretty much exactly what I am looking for.  Great drawers, extremely minimalist and unfussy, no headboard or anything extraneous and annoying.  But I have heard that getting anything delivered from IKEA is a major, major pain.

And there are a gazillion bed bases and mattresses available on Gumtree, with free delivery.  Unfortunately, none of them have underbed storage.

So, which will win out... my covetousness, or my laziness/general end of year exhaustion?

My options: weird warehouse in Zetland (cheap, same day free delivery, but no storage) or Ikea (expensive, logistical nightmare to have delivered, with underbed storage)

It is so hot today.  I am still in my pyjamas, and the heat that is coming through my window is oppressive.  My computer keeps overheating, and every time it does... I go downstairs, boil the kettle and lie on the hot concrete, waiting for my cat to come investigate.

It is a good day though.  I'm not really complaining.

Stupid 7% wine, how you confuse me.

I woke up to find real-life story book characters crumpled and sleeping in my living room this morning.  Robin Hood and a very delightful cat are now finally rising and making me breakfast.

Life is good (if somewhat strange at times)

I had a sleepless night last night, and when I did finally sleep... I had bad dreams.  It was strange and unsettling waking up three minutes before my alarm went off, with fear in my throat, something grey spreading through me, dream-remnants leaving me shuddery.  That my alarm comes in the form of assorted barnyard noises didn't help... that just made the strangeness of my dreams even more surreal upon waking.

Something is off-kilter at the moment, which I would like to correct.  I need this week.  I also have a really sore back.  I fell down the stairs in my place a few weeks ago.  It was sore for a couple of days, and has been sore when I sit down or stand up... but is getting worse.  Now it is really painful when I am sitting at my desk, or when I am lying in bed at night.  It's messing with my productivity.  I need to go see my doctor, pronto.  Or an osteopath. 

I thought I had lost my medicare card, and was generally dragging my feet and trying to avoid the whole thing... but just found my card a few minutes ago.  So off to the doctor it is.  Be like the squirell, girl.  One less thing to worry about.  Less pain is good.  Just get it done.

life admin

haircut
reap a million dollars back from medicare
reap a couple of hundred dollars back from the university (before I stop being a student)
pay a couple of hundred dollars in library fines (so I can graduate)
(these last two cancel each other out)
doctor
take milla to vet
decide what I am going to do when in nz
buy plane tickets to and from nz
write south essay
finish awesome bird themed mix cd (which means listening to more shearwater than ever)
buy a bed already (I am being very picky)

life hack

very little needed in the way of life hack... things are great at the moment. 
okay... teeny summer life hack...

learn to drive...
sew a lot... learn to block my own patterns
hunt down really good food all over sydney
read many, many novels... most of them over 800 pages
see as much live music as possible
start to think seriously about what I want to do next year... work, definitely.  Travel?  I would love a trip to the States.  New York, again.  Portland, definitely.  A train from Chicago to San Francisco, or vice versa. 
sort out where I need to go from here academically... this is a tough one. 

lastly, of great significance and exquisiteness, I must try not to be overwhelmed by the growing sense of wonder and fondness that is increasingly permeating my work and days.  

Every big project that finishes leads to a new one, right?  And I think I have worked out why my honours thesis has been troubling me (beyond that dull awareness of the lack of detail or finesse, all the things that, due to lack of time and attention, led to me produce dreadful scholarship).  Beyond all of that... I think I have worked out what was missing...

I never managed to place utopia.

If utopia has always been located elsewhere, how can we ever find it, or, more precisely, how can we ever inhabit it? 

For some, the answer to this connundrum might be to reject the category of utopia altogether, and to instead focus on the practicalities of creating a better world in the here and now.  I think utopia still serves a purpose, though - for dreamers and visionaries, for anyone who desires a better world.  Whatever else anyone is saying or doing to make that better world - I think we still need that impulse; that desire.

Levitas says that the problem with utopian dreaming has always been the challenge faced in trying to realistically link these dreams in some way with our present.  Often there is no apparent (or realistic and achievable) trajectory between the here and now and that better future.

So the question becomes - how do we ground our utopian visions in an understanding of the present, and create a route from here to a better future?

Euchronias envision that better future, but they are always unplaced - it is the future that is important, but not the place - this is the norm.  I still maintain, however, that the here is as important, if not more so, than the now.  We want the now to change, we want time to keep moving, we want something new to come along.  But, I think, we want the here to stay.  The here remains.  I don't think it should have to be elsewhere.

In Thomas More's Utopia, Hythlodaeus describes the incredible island that he has discovered, and all his audience asks is 'where?  Where is Utopia?'   More evades the question - someone coughs and covers Hythlodaeus's response.  And everyone since has equally refused to address or answer the question.

I don't know what to do with this, I don't know whether it is important or not. 

When Blondie first started recording Heart of Glass, it was going to be a reggae number - then someone decided to add a disco beat.  Of course.  I always thought the reggae version would be better.  Now I discover that Nouvelle Vague have done one.  It is awesome.

Wow.  Just starting to come to terms with the fact that I wrote the final half of my third chapter and the conclusion to my thesis on the day that it was due.

. . .

What the hell was I thinking!?

Now, on to other things (like sleep and reading for leisure)

My neighbours decided to participate in loud and annoying blood sports this evening, right outside my bedroom window - although as it turns out (as emotivating reminded me earlier) they were in fact just watching the football.

Anyway, there was much yelling and much cooking of steak, and I was just generally very weary and cranky (although subterraneally happy - very, very happy).  So I threw a hissy fit and have decamped to the dungeon, where I will remain until further notice.  It is just after midnight and I am working well. 

I wish I was actually allowed to work down here legitimately and didn't feel so guilty about it all the time - it is such a great resource. 

Two days to go.

Rainy days like this are for sitting in my parent's living room, looking over the grey ocean and listening to national radio and knitting.  They are for eating the delicious weekend lunches that my Mum and sister make.  They are for going for walks with my Dad down to the old, no longer used Caversham rail tunnels, where rain runs off every leaf and everything is dark and echoey and dripping.  They are for hands in wet pockets.  And peace.

I am happily homesick today.  I really hope I can make it home this summer (when it is sure to rain).

My cat is curled up next to me, in an ocean of blue on red.  I love my little room. 

I am still writing.  And writing. 

It's five am, and I can't sleep.  Instead, I am lying in bed - searching the xkcd archives. 

It is so windy outside.  It reminds me of every blustery, stormy morning of my entire life (and I am sure that all of them were good).  Mornings like this excite me.  My cat is a dark huddle in the windowsill, watching the sky lighten.

I feel very much alive.

People outside are having a domestic.  The guy is yelling and breaking things and the woman is pleading with him.  Her murmurs are repeatedly punctuated by bouts of explosive swearing.  From him.  I hate that sound.  Something else is thrown.  I hate that sound too.  It is making me really tense.  I hate it when I am reminded of these feelings.  I hate this misery.  I hate this fear.